In Jack's Mind
by shannrai
Summary: This just what I figured would be going on in Jack's mind in the aftermath of CoE...Yes I'm a Janto shipper. I picked Sci-Fi as Genre 2 because it is a Sci-Fi show


In Jack's Mind.

You know that old saying 'You don't what you've got until it's gone?' Well that's not the case with me. I always know what I have; just it becomes more real when it's gone.

Recently I lost a lot of people, people who meant the world to me and probably didn't know it. The main problem with me is that I tend to let people into my life which then leads them to get under my skin and they stay there forever.

The most recent person I lost was Steven my grandson, he was wonderful though he never understood how close to him I actually was. He never knew we were family. I guess I understand why, though it upset me. He died too soon, way too soon. And it was my fault.

The day before I lost Ianto, a gorgeous welsh man, who not only crawled under my skin, he strode gracefully into my heart. I was always interested in him, right from when we first met in that park. This then led to 'Weevil hunting with Ianto' a phrase which always made me smile. Like me he was haunted terribly by his past. Together we helped each other and started fresh. He stood by me no matter what. Now I think about it I didn't appreciate him as much as he deserved and now he's gone I regret not realizing sooner. Telling him the truth of how I felt. He died too soon, way too soon. And it was my fault.

Gray is a different matter, he was my little brother. As soon as he came back in my life I had to let him go again, but I couldn't do it. I put him in cryo-sleep instead, he's dead now. The bomb that was in my stomach, just days before Ianto and Steven died, blew up the entire hub including the morgue where Gray was. Argh, I have hated and I still do hate myself every second, of every minute, of every day, for what happened to him when he was just a child. He was tortured throughout his childhood until John 'rescued' him. He died too soon, way too soon. And it was my fault.

I lost Tosh only months before everyone else. She was a technical genius who I was lucky to find. She was the smartest person I knew (apart from The Doctor) and was completely brilliant in everything she did. Well, apart from relationships, she was in love with Owen since she first met him about 5 years ago. He was stupid not to see that the person he was suppose to be with was standing and working right next to him. I think he was beginning to notice until death took them both; they could have been together if the time was right. She died too soon, way too soon. And it was my fault.

Owen died twice; well the second time wasn't technically death it was rotting of an already dead body. He died just after saving a very good friend of mine, it was a relative short death, I guess you could say. I brought him back from death just hours after him dying. I thought I was doing was a good thing, a nice thing; the chance for everyone to say goodbye. It ended up being so much more than that. Owen turned into the walking dead that night but that didn't stop him from saving the world. He was the best doctor (apart from The Doctor) that I could ever have asked for, he was fantastic, clever, interesting, always wanting to learn more and oblivious to the woman who loved him more than anything. He could also be a cheeky sod when he wanted to be but I always loved that about him. He could be a good laugh as well when he wasn't hungover or being an arse. No matter what mood he was in, to me he was brilliant and an inspiration. He died too soon, way too soon. And it was my fault.

All these people died because of me, only because of me. Even Tosh's death wasn't because of Gray, even if it was him who shot her. It was my fault because I let go of Gray's hand when we were children, which led to him being captured by those creatures and being tortured. If I hadn't have done that I wouldn't have become a time agent, I wouldn't have met The Doctor, I wouldn't have met Torchwood, I wouldn't have met Steven's grandmother, I wouldn't have met Ianto, I wouldn't have met Toshiko and I wouldn't have met Owen. If I hadn't let go of Gray's hand that horrific day, I wouldn't have met these people and they would still be alive.

Now I'm standing on top of a hill in the freezing cold waiting for a friend called Gwen Cooper. It's been six months since Steven and Ianto were taken from me. I'm still broken, I will always be broken. It's time for me to go and leave this little planet. I stand here waiting for Gwen Cooper to say a real goodbye, before she is taken from me.

Recently I lost a lot of people, people who meant the world and probably didn't know it.

They died too soon, way too soon. And it was my fault.

I stand here alone, forever alone.


End file.
